i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
is that a dick in a sweater?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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