and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
