I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
