What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
