If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
we made out on top of his cat.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Found your dick twin last night
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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