Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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