In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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