the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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