The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
