1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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