did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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