You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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