I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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