I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
