I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
