i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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