just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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