I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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