I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
