This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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