the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
