And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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