you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
