Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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