I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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