I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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