everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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