fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Why is your signature on my underwear?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
