tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
