How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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