Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
