i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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