Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
