my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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