Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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