i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
