Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
