Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
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Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
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Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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