Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
