I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
