Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
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