i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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