my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you traded sex for a burrito?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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