I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
