I want to stick my p in your. b.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
