So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
No subtext here. People are naked.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
These tits shall not be calmed
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
