I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
