I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
