he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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