so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
last night I used snow as a chaser
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
