I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
