When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
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My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
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Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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