ugly people sure do ruin things
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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