How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
