i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
