Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
