um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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