The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
