This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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