just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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