i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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