I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
